Just another bump in the road.....
Wasting tears on a man riddled with demons. His mind not his own. The only thing I could do was sit there steering the car and listen to him go on about how his battles, his inner war is my fault. If only throughout the years I was kinder to him. If only I didn't push him so much. If only I was a sweet china doll that he kept in the closet and took out only when he wanted a splash of pretty.
by Pearle Northrop on Monday, July 13, 2009 at 10:12am
I have never been closed lipped. I have never witnessed an injustice and sat back in oblivious ignorance. I tend to speak up even if what I have to say is unwelcome and poorly received. I am not the type to sit back and allow some man with a hollow heart and tweaked mind to walk all over me. Yet, seven years split and here I am sitting in the car driving his beaten worn down body to a place I thought I would never go again.
Truth is I love him dearly and wish him the best. I hope that he will get better but not in any ordinary way. I want great things for him. I want his soul to mend and heal and then eventually I want him to explode into a man I know he can be. At this point all I can do is hope all that is groovy for him.
I didn't realize that this whole situation was affecting me so until I had to drive back to the detoxification unit to retrieve my keys. Sadly I had taken Reagan w/ me and when we went into the facility.....there he was. I couldn't turn and walk away. I could only stand there as he walked over and embraced my shocked little girl in his arms. We stayed only a minute and in that time my child's eyes saw the love of her life in a moment of disgrace that she may never forget.
In the car my daughter displayed the most amazing of human emotions. Her 9 year old lips voicing her feelings in a way that I have never heard. Her eyes filled with tears that drowned her beautiful face. Why? Why is my Daddy who he is?
I didn't cry about this whole situation until I looked over in the passenger seat and saw the love of my life exploding with emotion. Her anger, her frustration, her sadness and her fear.....I felt every ounce, every bit of it. I cannot shelter her from everything. I cannot candy coat this....it is what it is. Her Daddy is the best Daddy he can be right now. There is one thing for certain and that is She is almost everything to him. Right after his addiction she has a place.
Reagan squeezes my hand three times, looks at me with tear filled eyes and says thank you.
She then turns up the radio to listen to Coldplay. Her chin resting on the door staring out at the brightly lit strip malls and shopping plazas that line both sides of RT. 9.
It has been over a year since this terrible day. My daughter and I survived what would prove to be one of the most difficult years of our life. I have not been incredibly productive but I do plan on getting back in the groove for my child's sake.
Her father is clean and sober. Although we are not together in a romantic relationship we are however forever together as Reagan's Mother and Father. I think he will be fine.
I stop my life always to help the ones I love because well, w/out them I would have no true purpose. I do hope to be back in the creative flow soon. I am adjusting to a calmer existence and I do plan on taking batter care of me. xoxox Pearle