This morning I woke up with quite a start. Panic...absolute panic. My mind was already racing as the light inched its way through my bedroom window. I have so much that has to be done! I feel like I am running out of time...Like at any moment the curtain will drop and that's it for Pearle!
I am not sure what happened to trigger this absolute dread in my head!
I think the more I am appreciated as an artist the more I find myself questioning what it is I do. I mean...when I was a closet artist, which wasn't that long ago, I had such a freedom. Freedom to just go at a piece with out pause. Now...Now that I have taken my Artist gig to the next level...I find myself getting tangled up in uncertainty and full of absolute fear. fear of absolute failure. Everyday questioning if my work is good enough and pushing myself to make it better w/ every piece.
Maybe I am not supposed to mention this...the whole fear that drives me. I don't know if I have a longing, a calling or a dream....I do know that Fear plays a huge factor in my motion forward. Oh my! It is one of those days...wake up in a panic and spend the rest of the day reflecting into my past to extract some tidbits of reason and cause. If I spend a long enough time super gluing the fragments of non-sense together eventually I will convince myself it all fits together so convincingly...But my glued pieces always seem to eventually crumble apart again...somewhere down the road.
I haven't written on my Blog really because I started making it all about business and less and less about me personally....I am not sure I want to separate the two. If I am anything I am most certainly personal. I am not business at all! I mean I would love to be able to support my little family with my art and hard work but in that...behind all the colorful dots and leaves....behind the brush is a very human woman.
I am not all about the bottom line...I am about creating little pieces of colorful fragments of myself and scattering them all around the word. I myself have not been able to do much traveling....But pieces I have created have made their way to the UK, France, Brazil and Canada. In the states....Pearle Pieces have made it to many of the states. From my tiny apartment out into the big beautiful world.
Someday...I told Reagan someday we will go somewhere and see something and it will be GREAT!
Well...I am feeling a little less panicky and more calm...just typing away and sharing my inner most self w/ you has distracted me from my fears.They will creep in throughout the day but I think they are at bay for now. (I may have to reconsider therapy!)
Do may artists, or even just humans, go through such emotional roller coaster inner thrill rides?!
Anyway....I have a lot that needs to be done. I have to pull myself back down to reality and get to work. I have to clean my home and get to painting Christmas Ornaments.
Once I hit save and publish this is going to be out there. Do I dare? Well, if you read this...you know that in fact I do Dare! Dare to show my face♥
It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I started taking what I do seriously and it took even longer to consider myself an artist. I love to paint whatever I can get my hands on from things as small as a Scrabble® piece to as big as a dresser and hopefully even bigger someday. Whatever it is I will paint it. I love transforming trash into treasure literally. Imagine that a chair that came from a dumpster (2006) made it into a museum (2009). It blows me away to think that something I did creates a sense of awe in a viewer’s eye.
I was talking to a friend a few years back about my love for furniture, my relationship with chairs in particular. There was a chair that I found discarded and ultimately forgotten. I came upon this chair accidentally. I wasn't looking for a relationship. Anyway, the chair was a very handsome chair with so many things to look at. His back was decorative; his arms were long and lean. His legs...I have never seen such beautiful legs. But he was beaten down. His self-esteem had long been worn out. His seat, which was repeatedly upholstered over years, was torn and faded. His stuffing was busting out revealing his age and loss of pride. Me, being a care taker and rescuer of sorts....picked up the chair and brought it home. He sat at the top of the stairs for a few weeks in a corner. My friends however saw this chair and commented on how ugly he was. They wondered why I had him in my home commenting on how dirty he was and how unattractive he was due to the years of neglect. I ignored them and kept him around. Finally one day I decided to put him on my coffee table and take the layers of cloth and wool stuffing off of his seat. Then I cleaned him, primed him and painted him black. Three months later I sat back and looked at him and this is what I saw.....A chair, a man restored...but not only restored but given a whole new purpose. He was beautiful again. He was unique and wonderful....The same chair that my friends were grossed out by....is now a chair that they ask permission to touch. Amazing.....One thing is for certain...NOTHING STAYS THE SAME! Change is inevitable and what is ugly or dirty or discarded as trash can be saved, can be rescued and can be made shinier than new!
Taking discarded forgotten pieces and giving them their self-esteem back is a passion for me. Living in a world where we discard things so easily I’d like to think I am making an itty bitty difference.